Pure Crack: The Parings
by iamjustanotherguy
Summary: Pure Crack: The Parings is the brain fart of two guys with some free time and nothing to feel it with. Until now. Trust me it WILL get worse as it goes on. Oh and remember the two r's "Read and Review".
1. Maya X Kozo

**Well hello all. I'm justanotherguyathiscomputer. Well this is a first in a new series I'm starting. It's a series of unusual and some never used parings. This all started with a conversation with a friend of mine, Electric Eclectic, on Myspace. He made a comment on how Maya isn't used that much in fanfiction. You don't really read that much about her in a lot of stories. Then well over the past week we've been talking about unusual parings and well we've came up with a few. This is the first. So get ready for it………Maya/Kozo. Yeah old dirty men need love too. Well read and review.**

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Tuesday-Maya/Kozo

It was a Tuesday, the worst day of the week. Most people think the worst day of the week is Monday, but no its Tuesday. Why, you ask. Well simply put, Monday is the second day of the week, but first in the work week. Monday is the first day back to school, so it isn't that bad. Cause if you didn't get to see one of your friends that weekend then you'd get to see them now, but it wasn't Monday. It was Tuesday, and Tuesday is the worst day of the week. And because of this new movies come out to DVD on Tuesdays, but even with something to look forward to on Tuesday its still the worst day of the week. I mean I explained Monday, and Wednesday is the halfway mark, so…**bonk-thud-dragged away**

Sorry bout that folks, what do ya say we get on with this story while the old narrator….sleeps. Well like he said it was a Tuesday, and on this particular Tuesday Shinji found himself waking to school carrying one Asuka on his back. Why is Shinji carrying Asuka on his back? Well it's a funny story that involves soap, a drunken horse, three dead birds, a roman candle, and four sausages. How Toji and Kensuke got that horse up three flights of stairs while it was drunk I'll never know. I'm not sure what their plain was, not sure I want to know, but the end result was one very pissed off penguin, and the surprising discovery of Asuka's unexplained and sudden fear of drunk horses. What that doesn't explain why she's being carried by Shinji? Oh well when she ran out the house she forgot her shoes and man him carry her. Sorry I thought it was obvious that was why….but all this has nothing to do with this story…or anything actually.

Our story is about half a mile east and about three miles down from that sidewalk. Deep inside of NERV, inside a tank, floated one Rei Ayanami…..no wait is that…yeah its Maya? Maya's in the tank? And who is that…it's the vice-Commander? Why is he dressed up like the Commander?

"Maya…erm ahh I mean Rei your test is over." He said.

"Yes vice…er Commander." Ma-errr Rei aaahhggg Maya dressed as Rei said, as she climbed….walked? How does one get out of there anyway? Hell how does Rei get **into** it? Oh wait she's out.

As 'Rei' walked seductively, hips swaying left-right-left-right-left-right. Ohhhh God…..oh ehherm yes back to the story.

The 'Commander' sat in the chair, that he brought from the real commander's office, as Maya dress-er um undressed as Rei finished her sexy walk and kneeled before him. The commander then pulled 

something from his pants and offered it to her, it was old, wrinkled, shriveled up, and looked dead, and said, "Raisin?"

"No thank you. Now ummm should we get this over?"

"Oh umm yes lets" he said.

Maya and Kozo then proceeded to have sex….well as much sex as a dirty old man like Kozo Fuyusuki could. Oh wait is that…yep a dirty old man's best friend, Viagra. Well since no one wants to read about that, lest check back with Shinji and Asuka.

Back with Shinji and Asuka, we find them in a darken alley and….Shinji is lying pant less on the ground backing away from Asuka.

"You're little ticket said good for request." She said. "And this is my request."

Shinji's eyes widened and he yelled, "Help Section-2, Misato, Father,…Rei!"

"Yes Ikari?" Rei said.

"Oh thank God, Ayanami please help me." He said with pleading eyes.

"I am sorry to say I am also here to collect on my one request." She replied without any emotion at all.

"NO ONE MOVE!" Screamed a female Section-2 officer.

Shinji smiled, "Oh thank you I'm saved."

"Is this a good time to cash in my request?" she asked, and Shinji then made a mental note to start saving so he could have enough money to buy everyone a real Christmas gift next year.

Well back with Maya and Kozo…or 'Rei' and the 'Commander'. Maya finished putting on her clothes in a huff. _'Humph Kozo the Stud my ass. Oh well I think I'll cash in that ticket Shinji gave me for Christmas.' _She thought.

It was just another Tuesday. And for Shinji it was a Tuesday that he'd never forget it. Whether he wanted to or not, cause what happens near Pen-Pen ends up on the internet, and for some reason channel 6 news. But too bad for Kozo since he's so old he ended up forgetting everything. Poor guy he'll never know that he had sex with Maya, who dyed her hair blue to look like Rei, at the time.

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**Well it sucked, but I hope you laughed. This is the first in a series I'm going to do. They all may or not be as stupid as this. Hell who am I kidding, they're all going to be stupid. The next crack paring will be………Rei/Misato…Misato/Gendo…or Kozo/Asuka. I'll let you guys choose. Just put your choice in a review and after a week which one has the most votes that's the one I'll do.** **Also feel free to throw an unusual paring my way along with your choice, as it could be used in the next selection. Well later and **

**don't forget to review. Also I am not responsible for any sickness caused by just the thought of the last choice there. Later**


	2. Misato X Gendo

**Well I'm back again with another installment in the ongoing series 'Pure Crack: The Parings'. And well Oh I have a challenge for anyone with video editing skill at the end of the chapter. If you can do it I will be eternally grateful…well without further a due I give to you chapter two.**

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Friday-Misato/Gendo

Ahhh Friday, one of the best day's of the week. So great a day that a song was made in its honor. The song was called **'Finally Friday'** by George Jones. It was also the song that one Captain Misato Katsuragi was singing, or murdering. It all depended on what your sexual preference was. If you liked women her voice was on mute and you were ignoring her voice for her voluptuous body, if you liked men you only wish you could mute her horrible voice, but I'm getting off topic.

As I said it was Friday, and that means that tomorrow would be Saturday. Misato's day off. Nothing could ruin her day, for she had finally caught up on all her paperwork and could spend her day off in bed with the hangover that would be caused by the drinking she'd be doing tonight till she passes out sometime tomorrow morning.

"Aaaah nothing can ruin my day." Misato said as she looked at her watch. It wasn't a regular watch instead of having a the current time, it showed how much time she had until her shift ended. Why did she have a watch like that instead of a regular one? Well she kind of never learned how to tell time. Now I know what you're thinking. _"Hey….guy why doesn't she just by a digital watch?"_ Well simple, its because the digital watches didn't have the cute little _'Hello Kitty'_ face cover, but now I've gotten off topic again.

/"Attention will Captain Katsuragi please report to Commander Ikari's office. Repete-…"/ A mechanical voice said over the intercom.

After hearing the announcement Misato swore, "Damn it damn it damn it mother fucking damn it I was three minutes away from my weekend you mother fucking fuckhead Ikari!" ….she swore excessively.

/"…That is Supreme Commander Fuckhead Ikari, Captain."/ Corrected the non-mechanical voice of Gendo Ikari .

"Eep!" Misato squeaked as she ran to the commander's office as fast as she could. She made it there in record time.

When Misato walked into the Commander's office the first thing she noticed…well smelt was the distinct smell of vanilla. It turned her on a bit. Next she saw that there were candles everywhere. Then she saw the trail of rose petals. Her eyes following the trail of rose petals they landed on something she thought she'd never want to see. The commander…the naked commander…the naked commander's di..

"HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUC K!! IT'S HUGE!!" She screamed.

"Ahh captain. I was wondering since Dr. Akagi is indisposed…."

--flash--

Inside a dungeon somewhere Ritsuko Akagi is strapped to a giant X and is being spanked by dominatrix Maya.

"Remember slave, the safety word is goat."

"Mmmhhhmmhmmm"

--flash--

"…if you'd like a promotion." The naked Commander Ikari said.

Misato now clearly drooling from both mou…**BAM**…sorry for the interruption folks we have to keep the rating 'M'. Never taking her eyes of the….(happy stick?...Yeah we can use that)…commander's happy stick she just nodded dumbly, and started taking her clothes off.

As she walked to him seductively the commander said, "It's good to be king."

And since we have to keep this story 'M' how about we check up on the pilots. Lets see here where are they…there they are…hey what's wrong with Shinji? Well lets find out.

Inside Tokyo-3's 2-A classroom the teacher, due to a raging boner and the need to 'release', had just left. Why the teacher had a boner I have know idea, possibly cause I needed him away at the moment I don't know…hey look at Shinji he's doubled over in what looks like pain…

"Hey Shinji are you okay? You've been doubled over in what looks like pain all day….why?" One of Shinji's friends, who will be left unnamed. "Hey!" Oh fine. Said Kensuke. "Thanks."

"….." Was his incoherent reply.

"What?" asked Toji.

"…a-asu.."

"Huh?" the one with glasses asked… "Hey you called Toji by his name." so….your point. "My po.." Yeah blah blah lest get back to the story…

"…Asu…ka.."

"Asuka?...Asuka…wait what did Asuka do?" Asked Toji. "WHAT GIVES!" SHUT UP YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER I'M TRYING TO TELL THE FUCKING STORY YOU GOD DAMNED SHIT HEAD!! "……s-s-s-s" STOP S-S-S-STUDDERING!! "SORRY! -wets himself-"

"S-s-she w-w-won't"

"She won't what? Asuka won't what?" Asked Toji who made a motion for the class rep to come over. "Here Shinji tell the Class Rep. She'll make Asuka apologize."

Shinji looked up at Hikari with tear filled eyes and said, "S-s-s-she won't…..muttermutter"

Hikari looked at him funny and said, "She won't what?"

It was then one of the students said, "Hey does anyone here that music?"

Another student said, "Yeah where is it coming from?"

Then Shinji jumped up making the people around him scatter back away. The music then got louder and Shinji, in tune with the music, screamed, "She won't let me fuck!"

"Baaabaaaayyyyeee!" Sang Toji

"I haaa really need to bust a nut!" Shinji sang while doing a back and forth thrusting motion with his hips.

"Ooohhhhhhhhhh!" Sang Kensuke.

"She won't let me fuck." He continued, while pointing at Asuka.

"Hooonaaaayyyyeeee!" Sang one of the nameless students.

"I haaa really need to bust a nut!" He sang going back to the hip thrusting.

"Oooohhhhhhh!" Sang another nameless student, but for shits and giggles we'll call him Phil.

"Hey check this out." Sang Toji.

"Its so flustrating." He sang as the rest of the males agreed with a collective, "yeah."

"Being a man. All these sexy women, don't understand." He sang as posters of Rei, Asuka, Hikari, Mana (hey how did she get in there? I don't even know how to use her character…oh well), Ritsuko, Misato, Yui (okay that was kind of sick…she's his mom.), and the rest of the women of NERV passed behind him like some sort of scenery through a moving car's window. "Things we need to do."

Another collective, "yeah."

"Every other day or two." He sang. "Like what?" asked a somewhat curious Hikari asked.

"Like take you home baby. _Yeah._ And make sweet love to you." He sang then turned toward an Asuka who was barely containing her anger. "But you, you wont let me fuck."

"She wont let me fuck." Toji and Kensuke in perfect harmony.

"You say the mood aint right uh." Shinji sang, while appearing right beside Asuka who tried to punch him.  
"I haaa really need to bust a nut." Sang Phil and Kozo (why is the vice-commander here? Well that is cause Gendo doesn't let him watch….on Fridays.)

Shinji then bent down and pulled up Asuka's skirt and screamed, "I know that pussy's tiiiiiiiyyyeeeiight!"

"She won't let me fuck" sang Hikari. "Hikari!" Asuka screamed. "What? It's kind of catchy"

"Oh give it to me baby." He sang.

"I haaa really need to bust a nut." Sang Rei. Everyone stopped and looked at her. "It is quite catchy."

"Oooohhhhh." Sang Phil

"Her heart is still broken." He sang

"PoorBaby." One student said.

"Her emotions are sore." Shinji sang.

"I know what you mean, girl." Another student said.

"She's trying to recover, from the man before."

"Hey that's my homeboy, Cuz" Kozo said, referring to Kaji.

"Her ex-boyfriend." He sang.

"Who, Kaji?"

"He probably cant see." Shinji sang.

"Shake that ass." Screamed one fan-girl. Shinji then proceeded to do so, she then in turn fainted.

"That it was easy for him." Sang Shinji.

"Uhh say what?" asked Kensuke.

"But he made it hard for me." He sang.

"Why, man?" asked a student.

"Cause she, she wont let me fuck." He sang.

"She wont let me fuck." Toji and Phil sang.

"Aww give it to me baby!" Shinji sang.

"I haaa really need to bust a nut." Kensuke and Kozo sang.

"You know just what I need yeah!" He sang

"She wont let me fuck." Sang Rei and Hikari.

"Girl you eating all my food, girl drinking all my beer!" he sang. "Hey its Misato's beer."

"I haaaa really need to bust a nut." Sang Toji and Rei

"You're smoking all my weed yeah!" He sang. Then everyone looked at Asuka. "What…I was board."

"You rub your ass against me on the disco floor." Shinji sang as Kensuke in a girls uniform with an 'Asuka' mask rubbed his butt against the groin of Toji who had a 'Shinij' mask and was saying, "Shake that ass."

"I asked you for your number and you said 'Hell no!'" he sang.  
"That's alright. Hey, fuck that bitch look at that one over there,cuz." Kozo said pointing at Mana. (and here she is again….this is the first time I've ever used her….and she hasn't got any lines yet…hell I don't even know if I'll give her any yet.)

"You always hang around me everydaaaayyyyyeeee. Different women wanna kick it, but you scare them away." He sang as a little cloud formed beside him showing him with girls all around him then it showed Asuka running up and scaring them and breathing fire. "Now I get offended when you come around, cause I'm tired of my organs."

"Your organs?" asked Toji.

"Going up and down. That sucks, cause she won't let me fuck." He sang.

"She won't let me fuck." Sang Kozo and Hikari

"Aw, give it to me baby, give it to me honey." He sang.

"I really need to bust a nut." Sang Toji and Kensuke.

"Don't play with my head again." He sang while another cloud formed and showed the scene of the last night of their sync-training.

"She won't let me fuck." Sang Rei and Phil

"Let me hit it baby, let me hit it baby." He sang.

"I really need to bust a nut." Sang Kozo and Phil

Shinji then ran up and got into Asuka's face and screamed "Are you a lesbian!!"

"Oh, let me lick it baby. Let me stick it honey." He sang then one of the students made this sound, "Buccoooc!"

"I'll give you my money. Girl, you can have it all. Go ahead and have a ball. If you want, you can take them both, baby." He sang.

"In the year 2000 I see thousands of pretty young women I find arousin'. Grocery store shopping, magazine browsin', many different ways they keep their hair styles and, full of boredom, I walk toward 'em, get 'em close to me cause I'm supposed to be, male aggressor, female impresser. Say the right things, possibly undress her. But that's the post game, this is still the pre-game. Silly woman She-game. Baby, what's your name? Even though I'm a freak, I play it off like a college geek, crack a smile and politely speak. With intellect to the woman I select, hoping that she won't detect my egotistical chauvinistical lust I thrust 'til I scream like Mystical." He sang while dry humping the teacher's desk. "Yeeeaaahhh!!"

"The wrong message I hope I'm not sending. Laughing and pretending my dick's not extending. Can't be overzealous, she might discover. She's walkin' away," He sang as Asuka walked over to her desk to get something.

"Biatch!" screamed Rei

"Blew my cover." Sang Shinji.

"She won't let me fuck." Sang Toji and Rei.

"You know I love it." He sang.

"I really need to bust a nut." Sang Kozo and Kensuke.

"Please don't change the subject." Shinji sang.

"She won't let me fuck." Sang Phil and Rei.

"We coulda fucked all night long!" he sang

"I really need to bust a nut." Sang Kozo, and Rei.

"But, but, but, but your telephone number is wrong." He sang while dropping to his knees.

"She won't let me fuck." Sang two unnamed students.

"Girl you got a lot to give." He sang.

"I really need to bust a nut." Sang Kensuke.

"You dress, you dress, so provocative." Shinji sang as a poster of Asuka in her Plug Suit.

"She won't let me fuck." Sang Hikari.

"I can see your lingerie, from real far away." He sang as Asuka pulled a shotgun from her desk.

"I really need to bust a nut." Sang Kozo.

"Bitch, you must think I'm gaaayyyyeee!!" he sang as Kaworu ran through the door and jumped in front of Shinji as Asuka pulled the trigger and took the buck shot that was meant for Shinji. He looked up at Shinji and with his last breath said, "Shinji, I-I-I love you." and then he head exploded when Asuka shot him again.

Shinji then crawled toward Asuka while still singing, "Don't make me beg. Baby, let me rub your leg." He then tried to rub her leg, but she jumped away. "Don't make me cry. Look into my eye." He sang as his eyes started to tear up. "Girl, you damn pretty. Stop actin' so, deve. Let me put some oil on your titt….hahaha Hey, man, I'm up outta here. She don't wanna fuck." He then stopped singing and left the class room with Mana (well she gets no lines but she got Shinji…this time. But lest face it all the women had Shinji already…he's such a whore.) Just as the teacher returned.

"Aaah sorry about that class…now where was I?" Asuka then exploded and went on a killing spree…God's in his Heaven and All is right with the World….

Back with the commander and the cap..ehherm major. They had just finished and put there clothes on and all the romantic shit had disappeared. The newly promoted Major Katsuragi walked away with a limp so bad that she stumbled every three steps. As she left the room she said, "Hail the King baby."

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**Well how did ya'll like it? Well since I only got one vote for the…well period I did the Misato/Gendo paring…Oh and I hope you liked my little 'musical'….you guy's better cause I spent a long time typing it up and shit…I mean it if you've read this far you better give me a God Damned review…hell I'll even take a fucking flame. God knows I need one. Seeing as I have yet to get one……it baffles me…oh well the next chapter's paring will be. Yui/Kaworu… PenPen/Gendo's ADAM embryo-infused right hand (how I'll do this one I don't know but If you guys vote I'll do it. Oh and all credit for this paring goes to Lavanya Six) or Ritsuko/Rei. Well put your vote in review or send me a PM. Also I will appreciate any and all ideas. Well later I've got other shit to do…not really but…meh. Oh and I challenge anybody with any video editing skill to make me an Evangelion Anime Music Video with the song mentioned above. If anybody does take up my challenge all I ask is that you either send me the finished project or post it on youtube or something and send me a link via e-mail…My e-mail can be found on my profile page. And thank you whoever takes up the challenge. Well NOW I'm done…later.**


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